What's going to happen in the tech world next year? Infamous Internet search guru Laura Lippay looks into her Magic 8-Ball for a bit comic relief.The Magic Eight Ball
- The RIM executives fired for getting wasted, rowdy, handcuffed with plastic ties and then chewing through their restraints on a flight from Toronto to Beijing will become wildly successful as the new David Blaines of 2012.
- Charity Water will make unprecedented fulfillments in water project donations in 2012 by harvesting John Boehner's tears to provide water to those in need around the world.
- In an effort to cater to an underserved niche in America, AOL will introduce the Dumb Phone.
- Facebook Credits will quietly turn into an enormous global virtual currency that replaces current physical currencies around the globe forcing beggars and strippers to balk at $20's and start requesting Farm Cash instead.
- Lloyd Braun will make a bold move, giving zombies and vampires their first break in reality TV, but due to a blood-strewn melee over a surprise house visit by a vein-popping Carrot Top, the show is abruptly cancelled and the trendy reign of zombies and vampires in prime time TV plummets.
- With the latest in broadcast-every-second-of-your-life technology, even aliens on Kepler-22b will know what happens in Vegas.
- Steve Jobs and Andy Rooney hit it off over a couple of hot toddies in the afterlife and decide to collaborate on a new technology, aptly named iBrowSer.
- A combination of Siri and search will let you find things like your car keys and your dignity after an office holiday party. But a curious spam infiltration will have Siri sending people off to the nearest casino when users query Parkinson's disease, and slyly ordering several cases of Phentermine whenever she's asked for directions to fast food joints.
- The most searched term of 2012 will be "what is planking?", not because it gains even more shocking popularity than it did in 2011, but because people still just don't get it.
- The guy who started planking will join the likes of Larry Flynt, Gary Coleman and a circus parade of movie stars and porn stars and announce a run for governor of California in 2014.
- Attrition rates increase in the marketing and tech industries as social media experts finally realize they're not really experts at anything.
- Larry Page hires top security enforcement around his home, when he discovers that every time a new version of Android is released he finds his underwear in the freezer. State-of-the-art security video shows no home intruders, but instead uncovers the underwear floating through the kitchen, under the faucet and into the freezer all on its own, accompanied by the appearance of a ghostly figure who looks hauntingly like Steve Jobs.
-- Laura Lippay
Visit Laura at How's Your Pony.
(Image -- not Laura Lippay, but close -- by QnD 2011 via Flickr, CC 2.0)